Incredible! I have in my hands another piece of the most ludicrous mail I’ve ever received. Yet again, sent by hopped-up religious zealots. Now, I have nothing against Christians in general, but these goofy fringe loonies just get to me. I can’t take them seriously. This one came in an envelope all marked up in silliness, just like the other one did. The best part was on the back:
“Heavenly Father, we pray that this one who needs this divine help will write their needs on page two of this letter and will place this blessed, biblical, Acts 19:11, 12 Handkerchief and this sealed Bible prophecy under their side of their bed as they sleep tonight.
Let Thy power from heaven descend upon this home tonight and tomorrow night, after this one has mailed their most pressing needs back to this 56-year-old church ministry. We pray that they will break open this sealed prophecy after sunset tomorrow. Amen”
The goofy and seemingly random use of bold and underlining, and the one random case of italics just boggles the mind. What were they smoking? Or did they just never take an English class in school? Did they even go to school? But inside the envelope, the silliness just gets out of control. The first thing is a letter. It starts out with this:
“As a minister for more than a half-a-century, I’ve read and reread, in the Holy Bible, how God instructs ministers to send Bible faith handkerchiefs to people’s homes, and, as a result, miracles of blessings occur.”
First off, I call bullshit. You did not either read that in the Bible. The bible makes no mention of “Bible faith handkerchiefs” since “the Bible” is a compilation of writings that was compiled long after they were written. The Bible never refers to the Bible. Further, I seriously doubt that it says anywhere that ministers are supposed to send hankies around to people’s houses. The letter references, something like fifty thousand times, the verse Acts 19: 11-12 which says this:
“God did extraordinary miracles through Paul, so that even handkerchiefs and aprons that had touched him were taken to the sick, and their illnesses were cured and the evil spirits left them.”
I hardly see that as an instruction to mail out hankies to everyone, anymore than an instruction to go distributing aprons. For that matter, if they want to look at it that way, I’m sure the Bible is full of dozens of references of this that or the other object being used in similar ways. Are they supposed to send out all of those as well?
What makes it all funnier is the “handkerchief” that they include. It’s just a sheet of 8 1/2” x 11” paper with a printed border on it, which is supposed to look like a handkerchief. The letter goes on to include this:
“As we prayed, the Holy Spirit said, “If you want this home to be blessed, mail a biblical faith handkerchief like the Apostle Paul did, at Acts 19:11,12…”
Like the Apostle Paul did? Mail it, like Paul did? The letter then quotes Acts 19 from whatever version they use, but they put in lots of extra emphasis:
“...from his body were brought unto the sick H-A-N-D-K-E-R-C-H-I-E-F-S or aprons…”
I laughed out loud when I got to that part. It then says “I sent one of these to my Baptist mother, and it flat stopped Dad from a bad drinking habit.” Sure it did.
The letter then instructs me to print my name and my most pressing problem in the center of the “handkerchief”. Then I have to print someone else’s name who really needs God’s help right under my name. Then if I have a Bible, I’m supposed to open it up to that verse and put the hankie on the scripture. Then I’m supposed to leave it under my bed “for TONIGHT ONLY! (I guess it’s a limited time offer. Hurry. Supplies are limited.) In the morning, I’m supposed to mail the hankie in the envelope they provided. The instructions say “I repeat, please do not keep this faith handkerchief and please do not break this flow of God’s spirit from my home to your home.”
The bottom of the page thoughtfully instructs me to turn the page over to read page 2. It’s clearly designed for people who aren’t used to reading, or at least not used to reading things over one page long. Like, for example, a book. Page 2 has more instructions, this time to “break open this sealed prophecy” (another paper, with a sticker keeping it closed) only after sunset tomorrow. It actually says this right after:
“If you are not going to return this Bible Handkerchief, then this sealed prophecy must be destroyed, unopened and unread, becasue this is of spiritual nature.”
I guess I’m going to be struck down or something, because I opened it. But I’ll get to that in a minute. The last half of page 2 reminds me of those notes that kids write each other in second grade that say “do you like me? Check one: ( )yes ( )no”. I will let you see for yourself, but it’s funny. You’re supposed to fill it out and mail it back with the hankie:
The sealed “prophecy” is just a bunch of ALL CAPS TYPE about how you’re “facing a decision” and that you can improve yourself. It’s total mumbo jumbo of the sort that any good fortune cookie writer can generate at will all day long. See:
The last thing in the envelope is a page full of “testimonials” about how various people sent back their handkercheif and had various great things happen, including one that says “I received a check for $3,500”. Some are so poorly written they barely make sense: “When I get through reading your [church] letters they are so true until I just have to let the tears run down [my face]” What? It also has a nifty illustration of some old Hebrew folks holding the paper printout of a handkerchief over some sick guy.
I really don’t understand how adults can put this kind of thing together and actually believe it. Unless they don’t, of course, and it’s all just as hilarious a joke as it seems to be. I can only shake my head in wonder.
— 01:59:38 AM
[904]
06/30/2007 07:25 PM Reply
Oh how funny. But a question arose in my mind: What did you do to get this kind of mail? Hmmmmmmmmmm.