: Snake Oil

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~ Wednesday, January 12, 2000

It amazes me what people will advertise and what people will buy… check these out, from a catalog I got in the mail:

Adult Bib	Oxygen—just add water!

This guy so does not want to be in this ad.. just look at his face! (I realize these are for people with disabilities, but the ad makes them appear to be marketed at regular 30-something adults, which makes it funny.)	Um…
Breast Firming Creme	Buttonhole Napkin

Yeah, I’m sure this works.	For when you want to look extra tacky…
Contour Massager	Drug-free Pain Relief

They describe it like that, then show it on her shoulder? Yeah, whatever!	Oh dear.
Gro-Bust	Leg Cramps

Please tell me no one believes this? Or is stupid enough to do over-the-counter, unsupervised hormone therapy?	Next year, I want Santa to bring ME a bottle of Leg Cramps! Ok, ok, that isn’t what it is, but it sure looks funny, eh?
Magnet & Copper Roll-on	Personal Massager (1)

I’m thinking…no	Uh huh. That shape. Those sizes. Her neck??
Personal Massager (2)	Power Beads

Hey lady, you’re using that wrong!	Cheesy, elastic-strung beads, but they’re MAGIC!
Spray-on Hair	Vegetable Tablets

Before: shiny and pink. After: shiny and brown. This is “better”?	Oh for crying out loud! Just eat the damn veggies!
Clear Lungs	Pure Gold

Yup, everyone buys this because they want to breath easier. Uh huh. No one buys it as Cheap Speed!	Please, let me rub gold into my skin! That’s gotta be healthy!
Lip Puffer	.
	.
Wow, it’s like a penis pump for your mouth!