Ok, I get a lot of junk mail, and I throw most of it away. Every now and then, however, something really stands out. Sometimes it looks inviting. Sometimes it looks cool. And then sometimes it looks so unbelievably stupid and scary, you just have to open it. That was the case today when I checked the mail. Seems some slightly over-caffeinated Christians decided to send out some really weird shit. What caught my eye was the overly dramatic religious hype on the envelope:
JESUS IS GOING TO BE PASSING YOUR HOME CLOSE TO WHERE YOU WILL BE SLEEPING TONIGHT... GET READY!!!
Whoa! Thanks for the warning, pal! I’ll be sure to lock the doors and stuff. Creepy Jesuses sneaking around close to where I’m sleeping is some scary shit!
So that was enough to make me open it to see what chuckles it held inside. And I wasn’t dissappointed. Inside was a strange fabric thing, gold vinyl on one side, purple fuzzy velvety stuff on the other.
Also included in the envelope was a sealed purple envelope, a reply envelope, and 4-page letter. I read the first page of the letter. It was mostly a huge picture of someone writing a letter, and it had the sentence “Our dearly beloved in Christ, turn to page two and let’s have church here in your home.”
Which pretty much sealed it for me. There was no way in hell I was gonna slog through 4 pages of ‘church in my home’... there is a reason I don’t go to church outside my home, ya know. Well I did flip through it, and it had a few interesting elements. No, not the text, I didn’t read that. First thing I noticed was the bold font. Every second or third sentence was apparently very urgent or something. The other thing that caught my eye was the way it was designed to be read by idiots who didn’t know about turning pages. The bottom of the second page, for example, said “(Turn to page 3)” at the bottom. The next page was labeled “Page 3” and had the instructions “(Turn to page 4)” at the bottom. Handy to have that written down so conveniently, in case I forget what to do when you get to the bottom of the paper.
The sealed purple envelope was the funniest part though. It said on the front:
A Heavenly visitor will pass your house… This message from the Lord is sealed in New Testament faith and can only be opened after sunset tomorrow and after you have mailed back this purple and gold point of healing and blessing contact. We place this in your possesion.
Receive this prophetic word: FEAR NOT WHAT TODAY WILL BRING, FOR THROUGH IT ALL YOU WILL SEE THE WONDERFUL WAY I CAN RENEW YOU AND PROTECT YOU. LET MY FAVOR AND MY PROMISE OF DIVINE CARE BE UPON YOU. HOW WONDERFUL TO KNOW THAT MY THOUGHTS ARE ABOUT YOU. LET ME STRENGTHEN YOU AND UPHOLD YOU WITH MY HAND, AND YOU SHALL SEE THE JOY OF MY DELIVERANCE, SAITH THE LORD.
Ooooohhhkaaaaay. To me, this sounds like someone needs to back away from the punch bowl. Apparently they left out something in the instructions… possibly eye of newt or toe of frog or something, because I was able to open it without mailing anything, or waiting til after sunset or whatever. And boy was I glad I did, for inside was something I could only have dreamed of.
Yes, a black and white artists rendition of a nice, white European Jesus recieving a purple envelope. Oh yeah, and some more preaching on the back. It was very special though, because it said “PERSONAL!!!” at the top. It was very touching that it was just for me. Among the other relig-o-babble were such gems as:
It is important that you recognize a messenger from God, whether clothed in loincloth or animal skin like John the Baptist, or in silk robes like King Solomon.
Ok, sure. That is why I have a peep hole in my door, afterall.
So what else is in my junk mail…
Oooh look….Safeway is having a sale on paper plates…
(originally posted October 15, 1998)
— 04:07:10 PM
[1571]
05/18/2007 12:58 PM Reply
purple is pretty