Rated: Director: Steven Spielberg Starring: Harrison Ford, Cate Blanchett, Karen Allen, Shia LaBeouf, John Hurt… Summary: Famed archaeologist/adventurer Dr. Henry “Indiana” Jones is called back into action when he becomes entangled in a Soviet plot to uncover the secret behind mysterious artifacts known as the Crystal Skulls… Official Movie Homepage Full Credits

Review: I went into this movie with very low expectations. It was the second movie in a double feature at a drive-in theater and I was anticipating something cheesy and fun, but nothing great. And yet it managed to disappoint. I can appreciate absurd, over the top action stuff no problem! Willing suspension of disbelief here! However, it has to be well written and internally consistant. It also can’t insult my intelligence too badly, and it would be nice if there was an internal logic to the plot.

None of this was present in the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I’m convinced that the planning process of this film was something like this:

Brainstorming session with special effects guys and fight choreographers. They come up with a bunch of action situations they’d like to put in the movie. Once they have a list, they present it to the script writer and say “cobble this stuff together into a movie, ok?” And thus an illogical, meandering, meaningless, and most importantly stupid screenplay was written.

For a movie that seemed to be hacked in around special effects and action sequences, the special effects were horrible and the action scenes were boring. For some of the fight scenes I’m not convinced that they didn’t just show us a 15 second loop over and over for 10 minutes. There were so many green screen shots that looked straight out of a ’70s B movie that I had to wonder if the guy in charge of effects had a budget of “whatever cash was in his pocket at the time.” By way of example, there is a sequence where there is a sword fight happening. Our Young Protagonist (who had learned fencing in fancy prep schools) is dueling one of the generic villians while straddling two jeeps that were driving side by side. As they are driving through the jungle, he is repeatedly smacked in the crotch by various plant life. Now I could get into a scene like that for the humor value if they had played it right. Show how hard it is to keep your balance while standing on a moving vehicle. Show how two vehicles are never exactly in sync and how hard it is to keep footing when each foot is supported by an individually driven vehicle. But alas no. What we get is a guy filmed on a stage against a green screen, standing on terra firma, and then overlayed onto the shot of the jeeps.

CGI monkey armies could not save this movie. Inexplicably being chased by killer ants (who drag their victims down into their ant hills) cannot save this movie. Surviving pitching in an amphibious jeep over not one but three tall and turbulent waterfalls and coming out without a bump or a scratch? Come on. That’s just stupid.

Half the time the motivation of the characters made no sense, and yet for most of the plot you could see what was coming from miles away. But then there were the odd moments such as the main villain woman’s realization out loud “it’s a hive mind!” which was just a magical guess out of the blue because there was nothing around, no clues, no anything that would lead her to that conclusion. And yet she’s right.

I felt insulted, bored, and as if my time was wasted for the whole movie. I don’t think I cracked a smile the whole time. I did occasionally burst out with an “oh give me a break” or a “jesus this is stupid” but it was a drive-in theater so such exclamations don’t really get heard by other patrons so it’s ok. As the end credits rolled I gave it a solid F rating. However, a few days later I’ve had time to think some. I’ve had time to talk about it to others, and I’ve come to modify my score. I now give it an F-.

I haven’t hated a movie this bad in years. Horrible script. Horrible CGI and other effects. Long and boring action sequences. It wasn’t “outlandish and hilarious” stupid, it was just “poorly thought out and wretchedly executed” stupid and I left actually slightly irritable that I’d sat through such a turd.

Bottom line: if you’re a die-hard Indy fan, there is still no reason to see it on the big screen—the effects suck. Wait til it is out on DVD and make sure you’re good and drunk first, and you might like it. Otherwise, do’t waste your time on this one.